A conversations with my parents . . . translated and in time-lapse

Six months ago

Mom: So your dad and I are looking at getting another SUV, we told Richard (the mechanic) to start looking [for a used one]. When we get it, you can have the Explorer.

Me: Great, Rodger and I would be happy to buy the Explorer from you. I'll start saving up.

Mom: Gracie, we couldn't sell you the car, we'll give it to you.

Me: Mom that's very generous but . . . 

Mom: SssssssssT! Gracie!

You wretched ungrateful child, how dare you turn your nose up at a gift. Susmaryosep! Who do you think you are?!?!? Diyos ko!

Me: We'll talk later.

Three weeks ago

Me: Hi Dad

Dad: We found you a car. . , it's really nice, it's a 2001 Lexus, with a . . . really clean engine. . . the only owner drove it until she gave up her license, after that it was in the garage. Richard has it at his shop. I test drove it, handles really nice. So we'll get it for you, OK?

Me; Dad that's really very generous but I can't accept a gift to us like that without talking to Rodger first. You know. . . 

Dad: What's there to talk about?

You wretched ungrateful child, we came this country with $1000 in our pockets so that you kids could have a better life. How dare you not accept our help. 

Me: Thanks Dad, that's very generous of you.

Two minutes later

The next day

Last week

So my husband is driving this car around. Because he's the last male in the house that did not get a car from my father. 

The machinations of my mom’s mind

Mom: Your father is driving me to the county courthouse tomorrow. I was called for jury duty but I'm going to get out of it.

Me: Ok, but you know how I feel about serving jury duty.

Mom: I know, but I’m 78. Why would they want me?  I found out too late that they would excuse me if I brought  a note from the doctor.

Me: A note from the doctor?

Mom: Saying I’m too sickly and old to serve on a jury. Why would they want me at my age, anyway?

Me: Mom, then according to your logic you’re also too old to vote, drive and work. It looks like you have two choices.  Tell the unbelievable lie that you’re too feeble to sit on a jury; or tell the equally unbelievable truth, you’re a full-time, 3rd shift night nurse. 

Still so cheerful in her nurse's uniform after a night at work.

So it turns out she said neither, Mom got out of jury duty by citing her need for a hearing aid. She wore it special just for the court officials, since she hardly ever wears it.

Vanity thy name is Mom

Pre-facial

Mom: “I look old.”

Me: Sure, you look 65 (78 in her next birthday).

Me: Mom is there anything else we need to do to prepare for that wedding?

Mom: No, I’ve got my outfit, your dad and brothers are fine for clothes too.

Me: OK, did you want to get a facial before it?

Mom: No. 

Me: Ok, I’ll just schedule one for me.

Mom: Um, you’re going? I want one too, get me in with you.

Me: My mom wants to look younger, can you make her look 35?

Sanly the aethetician: Well then you should get a collagen facial.

Mom: OK

Sanly: Grace, I have not seen you for a couple of years, you need to come in more often.

Me: I know but it’s a matter of economics.

Mom: So how often should I get a facial?

Sanly: A collagen facial should be every quarter. You can get moisturizing facials in between.

Mom: Gracie, we could do that.

Me: Mom, I’m not getting in trouble with Dad over facials.

Mom: Your dad will be OK with it. It’s for me; I need it and makes me feel better.

Me: I’ll be glad to drive you. 

Mom: You have to have something. 

Me: So Dad takes care of his girls?

Mom: Of course.

Post facial

Just toilet paper . . .

While running errands with my mom I offered to take her to Costco because she only needed toilet paper. Just toilet paper.

And laundry detergent for me because "I think you'll like it. We use it and we like it."

Inside Costco my job is to push the cart.

"I only need toilet paper . . . just toilet paper . . . are the paper towels by the toilet paper?  OK, I only need toilet paper, paper towels and detergent for you and us."

"Oooo. I promised my friend I would pick her up an orchid. She gave me money. Let met see the one in the black vase … No I don't like that one … Pull out the one in the green vase … No … How about the one in the blue vase … I don't like the color … How about you choose."

The black vase went in the cart.

"That watermelon is a good price."

Into the cart next to the black vase.

"I like those dinner rolls … I have them with cheese for breakfast … your dad and I call it American pan de sol."

Santa bag of dinner rolls go in cart.

Toilet paper…paper towels…detergent…into cart.

"We need soda … that's a good price … grab a 30-pack for Rodger too, he likes this soda right?"

 "We need hot dogs … Coffee … Hot dog buns … Is this chicken stock good? I know you use it."

My job is to load the cart … unload the cart … load the car … unload the car.

 That was two weeks ago. My mom has been to Costco without me since then. She got me more detergent, left. I guess she was worried I was running low, right.

Grace can you . . .

My friend Carol and I were commiserating.

Carol: It was my turn to spend the day with Mom.
Grace: So how’d that go for you?
Carol: Sigh, my neck aches and I’m tired. I had to take her everywhere.
Grace: Dry cleaners? Apothecary? The milliner? The dressmaker?
Carol: And the dollar store. Who knew anyone could spend that much time at the dollar store. And you know I can’t rush her. She bought me lunch and gave me gas money.
Grace: So who has her tomorrow?
Carol: It’s Darryl’s turn.
Grace: Good thing there are six of you to divvy up driving her.
Carol: I’m glad to do it, really I am. But I could not do this everyday.

So this is how my week went.

Mom call: Gracie, my cell phone won’t charge it’s dead. Can you go with me to Verizon to take care of this?
Me: Sure Mom when did you want to go?
Mom Call: Now, my phone is my security blanket. I don’t like driving to work without it.
Me: Sure, I’ll get dressed they open at 10 a.m.

Mom call: Grace your father is not home yet and Donald needs a ride home from work. Can you get him?
Me: Sure, what time does he get off?
Mom call: In 10 minutes.
Me: OK, I’ll leave in a second.

Mom: Do you want to go with us? Your Dad and I are going to your Tita Vilut’s for lunch on Monday.
Me: To Buffalo Grove? Do you need me to drive you?
Mom: Well, Lani is going to meet us there, she’s bringing lunch. Oh and your Tita is giving us two queen beds, so we can bring those back with us.
Me: Um. . . um. . . the three of us are going to load and move two queen beds?
Mom: Yes.
Me: OK, um . . . um. . . So headboards and footboards, too huh? She nods. Well  . . . um. . .  we’ll need to bring your Explorer and my minivan. Ummm . . . I’ll ask Rodger to help us.
Mom. Great. I’ll call your Tita to let her know we’re coming over.

That’s right husband for better or for worse but my mom sent over a little something for you.

Never too old to get yelled at

I had to tell my dad about some paperwork he requested. It turned out pretty much as I expected.

Me: Dad I found the title to Austen's Honda (It's dead in his driveway); I’ll get that signed over to you so you can do whatever you like with it. But I spoke to Joshua he does not have the title to the Acura (Which is dead in his garage).

Dad: I put that car in his name; I was with him when we did it.

Me: I know, I’m just delivering the message.

Dad: You know your son is irresponsible, I can’t believe he lost the title . . . he probably lost the title to the other car.

Me: What other car; I can’t remember, you’ve bought him so many.

Dad: The blue one, he gave it to his girlfriend to drive around. . . .

At this point Mom calls me over but he was still grumbling.

Me: Ok, I have to go, but Dad this is between you and Josh.

Mom starts walking me to the door.
 
Dad: I know, but he’s undisciplined  . . . and I hold you accountable, he’s not my son . . .  and tell Austen to clean out his car . . .  I told him three times already . . .  I gave him that car  . . .  those boys . . .

My mom is laughing and kisses me good bye.

No bag of stuff this time

Everyone who knows my mom knows her generosity. Whenever I pop in to see my parents I usually leave with a little “something.” During recent visits my hauls included six lemons, a tub of pitted dates, a jar of pimentos and a jar of calamansi jelly. In the past I have departed with meat, jewelry and plants

That’s why I started this blog, I wanted to document these hauls. However on my last visit I left with instructions.

Mom and I were chatting at the kitchen table. I had just made smoothies for her, my daughter and myself.

Mom: You know your father wants to be buried. I want to be cremated.

Me: Well just make sure you outlive him then you can handle his burial any way you want. He’s made no funeral arrangements. If you outlive him, you’ll be in charge.

Mom: Good, that sounds like a plan. Are you still planning on putting my ashes in an urn on the fireplace mantle.

Me: Yup unless you make different arrangements. I promise, I’ll dress you on special occasions, just like Ninang Rose dressed that concrete goose of hers. On your birthday I’ll drape your favorite jewelry all over the urn.

Mom: OK. When I’m gone I want you to turn me into a diamond.

Me: Sure. Am I making you into diamonds for everyone? Your sons, the grandchildren?

Mom: No just you, make it a big diamond, at least a carat.

Me. What about Christine? She’s your only granddaughter, she doesn’t get a diamond?

Mom: She’ll get yours when you’re gone.

Me: Good, that sounds like a plan.

She's serious about the diamond. I'm serious about dressing her urn.

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